Reason #5 Why life sucks: I can't really decide if I want a boyfriend or just a dog....
From the title you're probably confused- you're wondering:
"Is she one of those people you see on TLC who likes to do it with all of her pets? Is she one of those people who has an entire house full of puppies and never goes outside?"
No I am not.
The problem, darling readers, is that lately I have realized that the similarities between boys and dogs are quite daunting...
It all started the other day. I thought I was lonely, just wanting a boyfriend like every other teenage girl but then I realized, why go to all the effort to try and find a human boy when you could just get a dog?
Still confused? Well, please join me in my efforts to decifer my feelings and compare the perks of human vs.dog relationships.


Don't judge a book by it's cover.
Looks aren't everything.
Look deep inside a person and get to know them before you judge.
I know it's hard. I know. Although we all say we're not shallow and of course we care more about personality, let's face it, we do care! We look for "hot" guys and we definetely judge our potential bfs on appearance. AND THEN PEOPLE JUDGE US. They call us "shallow" and "superficial"! Then of course there's always the chance that your hot bf is a total dud/meanie/loser.
Where am I going with this?
When picking out your new dog YOU GET TO PICK! You can base your choice on the appearance of the dog/how cute his is and no one calls you superficial! You can pick a dog based on it's color and no one calls you a racist! You can go from breeder to breeder and breed to breed! You can even talk to the breeder and  find out about the temperament and personality of the dog! That totally beats obsessively stalking his fb page and asking your friends for every little detail they know about him, all the while trying to seem nonchalant and like you're not interested! And hey, if you're into the troubled type, full of history and mystery just go check out your local humane society!



Boys: 0                Dogs: 1

I'm a romantic, I always dream that one day a boy will take me on a nice walk along the beach at sunset, but so far that has never happened.  Boys are lazy. They don't want to go for a walk and they don't want to seem like pussies. Even if you do magically drag them off the couch and their xbox, joyful and eager would not be the way to describe them. Dogs, however are always eager to go for walks! You say the word and they jump up full of joy at the idea of this long (romantic) walk on the beach! Now of course, on this walk the dog can't hold your hand and the dog most likely will stop and try and sniff some crap. But seriously, considering the amount of boys with affinities to certain...ahem....illegal substances these days, the boy will also most likely stop and try and sniff some on your walk as well. So why drag your boy off the couch and away from his video games with the suggestion of a walk when you merely say the word and have someone jump up immediately to join you, delighted by the idea?
:
Boys: 0                  Dogs: 2


So you see, now we run across another problem. The physical stuff of relationships. K-i-s-s-i-n-g for example. Boys are pushy, they always seem to want more from you they "can't keep their paws off you". The creature with paws though always seems to be happy, just cuddling. He may get a little pushy and try to kiss your face or shove his tongue in your mouth but at least he'll take no for an answer....
When you're ready for that first kiss in the new relationship the dog may be your best bet or at least the best bet for me personally considering the kissing techniques of my last boyfriend...(no offense to him of course)
Still grossed out by the idea of frenching a dog?
Well my dear, I hate to remind you, but dog's mouths are cleaner than human's....just think about it...do you ever really know where your boyfriend's mouth has been.....


Boys:0           Dogs: 3

LOYALTY
TRUST
Two of the most important things in a relationship and who is more loyal and trustworthy than a dog? Dogs are by your side all the time, they stick with you through thick and thin! They are there for you! Get a dog and he will never, NEVER leave you. Sure, the boy will say he loves you! He'll say he'll never leave you and love you forever but we all know the truth....one day he WILL leave.
Wow...that was slightly dark....
But have you ever heard of a dog cheating on his owner?
THAT'S CAUSE IT DOESN'T HAPPEN!
The dog won't hook up with some new owner because you're boring or fat or ugly!
DOG=ETERNAL LOVE
BOY=ETERNAL LOVE OF SEX AND XBOX

Boys: 0           Dogs: 4

But guys (by guys I mean who ever happens to be reading this), before I turn you all into then those people who marry animals (it does happen in like India and stuff where people marry elephants!) listens/read this  last paragraph.


Although boys are smelly, untrustworthy, lazy and gross there's just something loveable about them! The dog may seem perfect but dogs can give you those same cliched butterflies in your stomach and that tight, swelling feeling in your chest....they just can't!
So I guess it's up to you, but to me, those feelings, all those cliches, are more important to me than perfection.
I mean I can learn to play xbox and make sandwiches!
SO THE FINAL SCORE.....
DRUMROLL PLEASE




















Boys: 10000 (you can't match that feeling I get when I see certain guy)  
Dogs: 4-GOOD EFFORT!



wow. can't believe I turned into such a sap in the last paragraph.....

Reason #4 Why Life Sucks: I don't really fit in anywhere
See, anytime I try to start this huge choreographed dance number about how we don't need to stay within the limits society has placed on us and we should all get along. No one refuses and tells me "to stick to the status quo" and no students confess their deepest passions-there's just NOTHING.
Disney has just set me up for failure. No smoking hot Zefron-esque guys join me in the dance number. I just get a bunch of weird looks and people wondering if I'm high. WHAT THE HECK?!? IN DISNEY MOVIES NO ONE GETS HIGH. THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DRUGS ARE!
So this whole lack of dancing thing might not be a problem if I had a group that I could stay in...
I WILL FIND ONE.


Comparisons of different social groups and my possible acceptance into one of them:


Nerds- "A neutron walked into a bar and ordered a drink. 'how much?' he asked the bartender. the bartender replied 'well for you, no charge'"
           Wait?
            What?






         -crickets chirping-














OHHHHHHHHHH!!!! OMG I GET IT!!!!! 




AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH


NO CHARGE BECAUSE NEUTRONS ARE NEUTRAL!!! THEY HAVE NO CHARGE!


I feel it got less funny because I explained it....
         
.....Maybe, chilling with the nerds wouldn't be such a good idea....


Gangsta/ Stoner- So they're just chilling over by the smoker doors all the time wearing their pants low and listening to rap music. 


I walk up and I'm like  "SUP BRAH"

 But the sad thing is I won't becaaaause.....I aint nevah gonna suceed at talkin like dis since i'm whitah dan edward cullen. 

I can't wear my pants low to the ground and do a swag walk cuz they all like:

"FOOL. You just a little white girl with yo pants hangin low on da ground tryna do a swag walk but you aint got swagga." 

and I'm like "ohh" because I'm not good at comebacks. 

stupid white girl....

Popular girls- So I go over there but then I realize that I'm not "down with the lingo". I'm not "hip and rad" as you kids are saying these days. SERIOUSLY. I go over and I don't understand half the abbreviations they use and half the sexual terms they use..... like what's a "cherry pie"?

NOOOOO! DON'T ANSWER THAT!!!!!

AAAAAAH!

LALALALALALALALALALALLALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! 

phew. close call there. 

You blog readers almost corrupted my innocence.....

EWWWWWW SERIOUSLY......IT'S WHAT????

NOOOOOO SHUDDUP!!!!

NEXT PLEASE.

Exchange students- Me: "nihao!"

                             Them: "stupid b*tch....we're not chinese ....we're korean"

                             Me: .....

                                    Sooooooo, how do you like Canada.

                           *they start talking in korean as I just stand there all confused*

                           Me: Well I guess I'll talk to you later then? :)

***note: in this conversation you can substitute korean for chinese, argentinian, brasilian, portugese, german or any other nationality that you can think of....

Band nerds- Theoretically I should fall into this category but trust me IT IS LIKE A WARZONE IN THERE! Every section has an immense amount of hate for the other sections! They're also all SUPER INTENSE. Seriously, they all like sleep with their instruments. Forget girlfriends or boyfriends....they only action you get is with your instrument...well I guess there is lots of tongue involved. Forget a nice warm human to keep you company- you get the cold metal instrument playing you the sad tune of FOREVER ALONE. 

HUH. Well then, looks like I'm still a loner... MAYBE THE DANCING WILL WORK TOMORROW!!!

I'll tell you how it goes! 

unless I get beat up....

Reason #3 Why Life Sucks: I am like a magnet for creepy people
I'm not even kidding. I freaking WISH I was kidding but no, if there is someone creepy within a 2o mile radius of me they WILL manage to find me. Friends and acquaintances always tell me "nothing weird ever happens to me EXCEPT when I'm with you". THAT IS BECAUSE I ATTRACT THE CREEPIEST PEOPLE. Do I seem friendly and approachable? Do I seem like a creepy person myself? Am I their own kind? Do I have a sign pinned on my back that I don't know about that says "Welcome creeps! I will love you and want to talk to you!"??


Now you're probably judging me. You're thinking "woah, what a *beep*. She's judging all these people and they're probably just trying to be nice and it's not their fault they're a little bit strange."
No, that's not it. Now, a little bit strange I can handle. In fact I would say every single one of my friends is more than just "a little bit strange". These people are just pushing the limit of strange. Still don't believe me? 


OKAY HERE WE GO.
Ehem, -clears throat- may I now present you with








                         -DRAMATIC PAUSE-










THE LIST OF CREEPY PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN ATTRACTED TO ME:
1. Numero uno- My band teacher last year. 6o years old, leather pants, low v-neck shirts, floral print, chest hair and gold chains. DAMN he was fiiiiiiiiiiine ;) Wait, did I forget to mention he was in a band called "The boogey chu chu bears" (forgive me if I misspelled that. I must say, I don't have a lot of practice typing those words....) Now, this man, him and I, we had this special connection. Or at least he thought we did. I was okay with his friendliness but one day we had a slightly strange conversation...
Him: I love that dress on you
Me: ummmmmmmmmmm.......
Him: It looks so good on you! I can really see you're becoming quite a woman ;)
Me: (in my head) EWWWWWWWWWWW! AAAAAAAAAH! WHAT IS GOING ON?????
         (outloud).......thanks
Him: You know, I got in a motorcycle accident. 
Me: ummmmmmmmmmm.....
Him: Now I have a metal plate in my shoulder.
Me: (in my head) OMGOMGOMOMG HE'S LIKE A ROBOT.  Wait, that's kind of gross....EWWWW. This is real life not some super bad sci-fi move. 
        (outloud) ohhhhhh....-nods-
Him: Want to feel it?
Me: No, I'm okay....
Him: I'm going to play some violin now
Me: I have to go now. BYE


2. This guy at my school-I'm not gonna post his name but I'll call him M. 
So M unfortunately has a bit of a high pitched voice which causes him to be teased. He also has an unfortunate laugh which kind of really scares me. But the worst thing is he thinks we're best friends. To fully understand the creepiness of this guy you would have to meet him. Usually I can put up with him. He's nice and it's not his fault he's a little out there but what he said to last week kind of freaked me out.
Him: Hey Jessica? 
Me: Yeah M.
Him: You're a really good friend and I love you.
Me: Oh.....thanks M.  -insert awkwardness here-
Him: I'm serious. I want to friends for the rest of our lives. 
Me: -awkward smile and nod combo-
Him: No, like if we're not friends in 20 years I'm going to stalk you. I'll hunt you down. I'll look in the windows of your house and not leave until we're friends again because I love you that much! 
Me: (inside) WHAT THE FLADOODLES?!?!! (I stole that word from Miranda btw) 
        (out loud) Ihavetogotalktoyoulater. BYE


3. This guy from camp I'll call him C.
He carried a satchel....enough said. 


4. A girl from school...I'll call her L. 
Her: Hello. 
Me: Hi
-she just stares at me-
        ummm, I like your shoes. :)
Her: -eyes get wide and insane looking-
        THEY LOVE YOU TOO!
        KISS THEM!
    -holds her foot in my face-
Me: Ummm. I'm gonna go to the washroom....bye. 


4. A mime from Vienna....
He was dressed kinda like Darth Vader and my friends and I went over to give him some money. 
First friend: -puts money in hat-
Mime: -nods and smiles-
Second friend: -puts money in hat-
Mime: -kisses her hand-
Third friend: -puts money in hat-
Mime: -kisses her hand too-
Me: -puts money in hat-
Mime: -Grabs my hand and pulls me towards him and tries to kiss me full on the mouth-
Me: -pulls away-
Mime: -gestures at my boobs-
Me: ewww
Mime: gestures at me to come closer
Me:.....
Mime: -gestures at my boobs again-
Me: KBYE


and for the rest of the day we just kept seeing him everywhere! He didn't even stay close to where he was earlier! Everytime he saw me he would look at me, smile, wave, call me to come closer and then gesture at my boobs again.....




My fingers are cramping from typing so that's the end of the list for today. If you want to here about more creeps who love me then just message me sometime :) 


Although these people are super strange and usually kind of scary I have to say 
 THANKS GUYS. YOU MAKE MY LIFE INTERESTING.


Without them I wouldn't have nearly as many stories to tell ;)




 <3

 Reason #2 Why life Sucks :My ginger broke up with me today :'(

I AM AN EMOTIONAL WRECK...

LIFE FREAKING SUCKS

I AM GOING TO GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE NOW 

OR OFF A BUILDING. 

OR INTO A LAKE (I know I can swim but it's the middle of winter therefore I will get hypothermia and my body will shut down etc.)

OR STEP IN FRONT OF A CHARGING BULL...

OR MY CHOIR CONDUCTOR....

OR INHALE SOME TOXIC CHEMICALS IN CHEM.

OR GET TRAPPED IN THE ELEVATOR AND EVENTUALLY DIE FROM LACK OF OXYGEN.

OR GNAW OF MY OWN ARM AND THE SLOWLY THE REST OF MY BODY....

Well honestly, I was expecting it and I'm not all that upset. I wanted to break up with him, but I didn't want to seem horrible since when I do stuff like that I always end up laughing....I KNOW KAY?

So I just tried to make him break up with me!

First, I tried ignoring him/not making eye contact or waving when I saw him in the halls. Unfortunately I don't think he actually saw me so he didn't even notice my ignoring him. 

Secondly, I tried to be super weird....I couldn't think of anything weirder I could do than just be myself which is what I had been doing all along so....

Thirdly, I tried to be the super clingy girlfriend...

6:45- Heeey

6:55- Hey :) what's up? 

7:00- You should come hang out with me 

7:02-???

7:05- Why don't you want to hang out with me??

7:07- HELLO??

7:11- are you ignoring me? 

7:14- You don't want to hang out with me? :( 

7:21- </3

7:25-Seriously text me back

7:26-I'm worried!

7:35- don't ignore me please! :( 

7:40- why do you hate me? 

7:45-???

7:50- So what's up? :)

8:00- Okay fine

8:30- I glad we had this conversation....

**This almost lead to the "call and then immediately hang up". 

Thirdly, I had my friend talk to him and tell him that I was thinking of breaking up with him. This method worked the best and so today he did break up with me :) His breakup speech was totally cliched and sound incredibly rehearsed but hey, give the boy some points for trying? Oh, I also add in what I would've said if I had the guts

-he's just talking to his friends and i'm just kind of standing there-

Me: -just staring/glaring at him-                      WTF. TALK TO ME YOU IDIOT. 

           10 minutes go by

Him: Hey, how are you? 

Me: -intense glare-  I'm sexy and I know it.

Him: Listen, can we talk?

Me:- intense glare- No. Obviously I just came up here to stare at your beautiful face all day.....

      start walking -pushes him down stairs-

Him: I don't think our relationship is working out  NOOOOOOOOO! DON'T BREAK UP WITH ME! I LOOOOVE YOU! FOREVER AND ALWAYS BABE -falls onto knees and starts crying-

Me: Oh, darn it!

Him: .....

        Ouch?

Me: -bringing back the glare again- My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like "it's better than yours" Damn right. It's better than yours

Him: It's not that you're a bad person I'm on the right track baby...I was born this way! 

Me: -glare changes to questioning look-

Him: It's not that i'm a bad person either! It's just that we both have busy lives and we hardly see each other anymore at school or outside of school. Well, I made a list of better reasons why we should break up

1. Your name

2. Your face

3. Your personality

4. You have no soul

5. You kiss like a labrador

6. Your hair

7. You fence....ummm how did you manage to pick the least sexy sport out there?

8.  Your personality....oh wait, did I say that already? Well it's THAT BAD.

Me: okaaaaay

Him: I just think it's time for us to go on our separate paths. KAY BYE

Me: ....

Him: Have fun in gym!

LOLOLOL

Reason #1 Why life sucks: I am currently dating a ginger.

SHUDDUP. STOP LAUGHING. 

Kay fine....laugh all you want. Believe me I've heard it before. Having a ginger boyfriend just tends to make your life awkward. No one can talk about anything except how he's ginger....and then they just laugh and laugh and laugh. They laugh at him and then they laugh at me for dating him

BUT GUESS WHAT. I BEAT YOU TO IT. I FOUND SOME GINGER JOKES. So get it out of your system....

Gingers are like slinkys,
Not much fun at all,
But always great when you push them down the stairs

What's the difference bewteen a brick and a ginger?
A brick can get layed 

What do you call a redhead whose phone rings on Saturday night?
Shocked.

What do redheads miss most about a great party?
The invitation

What’s the difference between dating a redhead and putting your hand in a blender?
 There’s always a 50/50 chance the blender isn’t on. 

Why are gingers like guns?
Keep one around long enough, and you re goin to want to shoot it.